3 months on a dating site and this is what I get???!

March will officially be known as the month of the sexual drought.  I swear to god the lack of sex was making me fat! I’m not joking, even that extra weight on top of you having a rolling pin effect is usually enough to flatten my stomach. It had been 4 months, 4 MONTHS!! Surely that makes me a born again virgin?!

I partly blame the weather, when it was snowing outside who could be arsed to get all dolled up for a date?. Why risk having to get naked in the freezing cold when you can be wrapped up and all warm in a onesie at home with a hot cup of tea or a nice glass of wine?

Laziness also plays a part in this, it takes effort to go online and find someone you like the look of and then try to think of something interesting to say to get their attention. It makes you wonder whether you're better off giving up and leaving it to chance? Nah I'm not that patient! So April brought a spring in my step, time to get out there and see whats occurring!

I arrived at Clapham station on a rainy Friday evening, in my Little Black Dress with kitten heels, I was wearing my new leopard print scarf and was sporting a matching umbrella that my nephew later pointed out was a bit "cougar" circa "Doreen Green" Thanks hun!. Anyway I met the Retail Buyer at the bar and was relieved to see that he did resemble his picture (you can never really be sure) As soon as I saw him  I knew this was going to be fun. He was immaculately dressed, well spoken and fit! hee hee. My only regret was the large glass of wine he had bought me, I'm not good on wine, I get drunk a tad too quick and trying to hold an intelligent conversation in that state is not easy, basically I talk a load of shite!

We got talking about internet dating and he told me he's wasn't suprised that I get emails from wierd men, rubberist etc as there's something about me that makes him think there's more to me? He said it's in my eyes??? WTF??! I assured him there is no "more to me" You get what you see? I'm not into bondage etc. I suppose the alarm bells should really have been ringing at this stage but like I said I'd had a glass of wine and did I mention he was hot? lol. Did I also mention it had been 4 months???!

So we agreed on a second date and I show up at his prestine flat and I'm blown away by the decor, it's immaculate and he has without a doubt, impeccable taste. There's a huge kitchen with all built in appliances, all very minimalistic (not a sponge in sight or a thing out of place) plenty of room for a dining table but he settles for a breakfast table and has the dining table in the lounge. There's artwork on the walls, proper fat towels in the bathroom and toilet, and posh toilet roll - like seriously how sad am I that I'm impressed by loo roll????! He has plush silk bed sheets and the softest cushions/pillows I have ever felt in my life! Lol. Yeah ok, I shagged him but in all honesty wasn't it inevitable?

Picture the scene - Frank Sinatra playing softly in the background, surrounded by candles, we stop talking to watch a movie, he offers me chocolate (I decline, not really a chocolate person, had he offered me a biscuit I would have had to marry him!). We watched a movie called  "The Secretary" - any one seen this???! - I reckon it's loosely what EL James based Fifty shades on. The opening scene is a submissive in a secretary outfit -  tight skirt, white shirt and stilettos, holding paper in her mouth as her hands are restrained by a metal bar which she is holding above her head! You may as well have put some porn on! I know men view porn different to women, they are very visual and like lots of nakedness but us women? We're suckers for a story or scenario however flimsily based.

Randomly stopping for bursts of snogging, he makes me laugh by asking me if my boobs are real???? Erm yep, do they not look or feel real? Has he ever shagged a woman before??? Ok that's a bit harsh, may be the kind of women he shags have no boobs (and thinner than me -eek). We watch a scene in the film where the submissive is shagging some random man and its the worst sex ever, she is literally lying there looking bored while the man is thrusting himself and its all over in 5 seconds. He turns to me and says I bet men have that problem with you in that they come quick? I was like erm that's not what was wrong with that sex scene I think it had more to do with the fact neither of them knew what they were doing. Then I turn to him and say...........bear with me on this one (shamefaced) "Why do you have that kind of problem a lot??!!". Yes I know it was the wrong thing to say but it was a case of my mouth saying what my brain was thinking before digesting what I was saying! Aw gawd!! Thankfully he laughed it off!

So we ended up on the beautiful silk sheets in the King Size bed surrounded by pillows and I'm thinking this will be over quick (lol). He pulls down his boxers and its like the slot machines when you hit the jackpot? Ding, ding ding - Kerching???! It's like the biggest thing I've ever seen and all I can think is OMG that's gonna hurt! (not my finest hour I know). My second thought is god there's no way I'm getting my mouth round that! That's the problem with massive dicks you're kind of limited by what you can do with them? There are certain positions that aren't feasible unless you've got a vagina like a bucket? I don't know whats worse one the size of a gherkin or one as big as a cucumber? (I'll go on record to say the gherkin, definitely the gherkin!).

Overall the experience was a pretty good one, however I am curious as to why men are so obsessed with going down on women? They seem to enjoy it more than we do? Is that normal? I'm all up for it as foreplay but after a bit I just want a dick, not a tongue? (Sorry for being so blunt! lol). I've noticed this a lot recently, they just seem to be obsessed with it. I have no problems with blow jobs but I wouldn't be expected to be down there for hours surely? Or is that where I'm going wrong?!

Apart from that the other thing I struggled with was that he wanted me to talk dirty to him? Yeah I'm not sure how to do that? (I can learn!!). To be honest trying to think of something dirty to say mid sex is a bit too much like hard work? Well it is for those of us to whom it doesn't come naturally? I don't really want to take my focus off of what I'm doing? For my pleasure and yours obviously? lol.

We ended the date thoroughly satisfied, I know he was a complete player but I won't agree that I fell for it because in reality who is the true player, who is playing who exactly? We're both consenting adults and I can't think of a better way to spend a lazy Sunday then in bed with a hot man!

38 and still single.....................................how I got here.

Don't you just love going out with your girlie friends? They all head home after a fabulous evening of gossip and laughter to their husbands and boyfriends and I come home to my rabbit.

Its not a bad life, I don't have to put up with tantrums or worry that I'm out too late and have therefore neglected my other half. I get sex whenever I want it, as often as I want it (though technically speaking its more masturbation then sex, but I always find that a hard one to distinguish). The rabbit knows when to speed up and when to slow down or stop and satisfaction is guaranteed! Also you are free to roll over and go to sleep after an orgasm. Like I said, I can't complain.

I'm 38, I'm single, I'm in the best physically shape of my life, I have a wide circle of friends that I socialise with on a regular basis, I have a house I call my home, I'm just missing one thing - a man.............

It has been five years since my last proper long term relationship. Over these years the men have come and gone but my rabbit has been my one constant companion. Do men find it intimidating you ask? I suppose it depends on whether they have a tiny dick? lol.

Don't get me wrong as any single person can affirm there are mornings when you wish you could have woken up in the strong arms of an alpha male for morning nookie. Preferably on a Sunday so its followed by lunch then afternoon (my personal favourite) and after dinner nookie, at the end of which you can fall back exhausted but thoroughly satisfied.In real life how often does this happen? In a relationship, how often does this really happen? From what I hear from friends in relationships (both long and short term) this is a rarity which beggars the question, why strive for a relationship, if there is no sex at the end of it? Its like finally getting to the end of the rainbow and finding instead of the pot of gold, a pot of celebacy! 

Surely four times a day sex is limited to one night stands and casual hook ups? Where your passion is so intense you can't keep your hands off each other? You make the most of every second because you don't know when or where the next shag is coming from? 

In all honesty I've not had many one night stands in my life, (I obviously haven't lived enough) this is probably because I spent the majority of my twenties in a long term relationship, which at the time made me happy (well the first five years definitely, not so much the last two) and kept me satisfied (daily - I kid you not). Now I look back on it and think may be my time would have been better spent looking for the right man back then rather then now? 

My first ever one night stand came 18 months after my long term relationship had extinguished  It was the worst sex ever and I remember thinking omg I didn't know penis' came in that size??? Who had known that I had spent 7 years with a guy with a pretty big dick? As he was my first, how was I to know? My friends reassured me that first time sex is always bad with a new person. This turned out to be a lie as my second one night stand several months later proved. Its not that the size is important, its the knowing what to do with what you have and having confidence. Actually its about trying out different things to see what works too, I like men who aren't set in a routine.

Both one night stands involved men I had already met previously and involved copious jugs of alcohol, (back in the day where you could pay £15.00 at the door and have an all inclusive night of alcohol at the local club). I miss those days!  I ended up turning one of them into a long term relationship, god I can't even get a one night stand right! 

That ended four years later when I really didn't see the point in continuing in a relationship that wasn't going to make me happy and I knew we didn't have a future together - in all honesty, even though he was a good guy, he did bore the crap out of me! I knew eventually someone else would come a long and I'd break his heart so I left while he still had the chance to meet someone else to make him happy. Funny how 5 years on, he's married and I'm still single! Lol (I have no regrets).

What followed was several years of internet dating, different sites with various levels of success. Looking back at it now I think I have probably spent nearly 5 years in pursuit of Mr Right. In that time I've met many, many Mr Wrongs, including possessive  overbearing, boring, manipulative men. I've fallen for the bad types, the commitment phobes, the ones looking purely for sex and the worst of them all - the ones who think they are ready for a relationship but are far from it.

My first experience was the psychologist, he was a man of many talents (in and outside of the bedroom). He was a semi professional chess player, a professional juggler (seriously you couldn't make this stuff up!) he had written a book, ran his own business and was the first man to make me orgasm through oral sex alone - its a skill, believe me! I'm pretty sure he might have spoilt me as he was a firm believer that sex was all about the woman and satisfying her was all that mattered. Clever man because even if this isn't true, making the woman believe it is, is your golden ticket boys!. Putty in your hands and willing to reciprocate twice-fold. 

He had me totally fooled, we spent 6 blissful weeks getting to know each other and got on so well that I even considered letting him move in with me, then it all went wrong and the web of lies that he had spun to show his lifestyle in the way he wanted to be perceived started to unravel. It transpired that his business was in difficulty, he couldn't afford the rent on his Victorian converted flat and had no where to go.

I had wanted someone to move in with me because they wanted to, not because they had to. It was like a switch had been flipped, he became moody, volatile and condescending, talking to me like I was an imbecile. We "took a break" in true Rachel/Ross style and he proceeded to try to sleep with as many other women as he could! 

Having said all that I wouldn't change a thing as he taught me a lot, some bad like questioning my orgasms? Like who does that??? Total head f*ck but he also taught me the possibility of multiple orgasms so you know I had the good with the bad! We later became friends and I got to meet the real man behind the facade which was fascinating! Men are such dogs its unbelievable! lol. 

He's currently teaching out in Korea and is possibly the only ex I would have any interest in catching up with, I always found his wealth of knowledge fascinating and I doubt that has changed over time and he's still pretty easy on the eye! Lol.

The next guy was a genuine one who'd just moved back to the UK after spending a few years working abroad, multi lingual, highly intelligent and very well mannered. He had a good job, plenty of money and the kind of car I would die for!. He had been brought up in a world very different to mine, he could count an ex supermodel among his friends as well as a clothes designer who's range is available in Harrods (intimidating much???!). Did I wanna join him and hang out at the model's place? Like hell, I may not be fat (though I do have my fat days) but compared to a waif model type, I may as well be clinically obese. 

I have to admit this courtship started of very slowly, I think we got to date 3 before we even kissed, I clearly remember coming back from a date and speed dialing my friend (without even taking my coat off) to see if this was normal and could I spend my life with a man without any physical contact? Could I give up sex for money? (He had offered me his credit card to go shopping with in Kensington while he was at an appointment). 

Luckily my anxiety was short lived and it all fell into place pretty soon after. It was at this point that I realised that I had been working on the assumption that because this man had so much going for him - including a spacious 2 bedroom flat over looking the South Downs, that there could only be one thing wrong with him. I was wrong! Up until we got to that stage of the relationship, I felt like I had the upper hand, the day I slept with him? That dynamic changed dramatically! I was left confused and dazed, it was not what I was expecting and suddenly now he was on top (no pun intended) 

That's pretty much where it all started to go wrong, My anxiety kicked in, I wasn't really good enough for him, we were from two different worlds, I didn't have the confidence to blend in with his friends. I knew we weren't right for each a other, the easy banter I like to share with my other halves was not there, I'd say something and you could see him desperately trying to think of something to say back! That's not a good basis for a long term relationship is it?

So when he decided the relationship had run its course few weeks later and we weren't a good match I totally understood., However it was hard not to be devastated at losing the dream of a lifestyle so different from mine where I would never have to concern myself over little things like money (surely my karma for all the things I didn't have as a child??) even though I knew he wasn't the one. (I wish I'd taken him up on the offer of the shopping spree on his card! Dammit!). 

He went on to marry the next woman he met! lol! That's my life in a nutshell really!!So that was how I started my experiences of online dating, the next blog will fast forward 5 years to the present day and the latest man. At some stage I will fill in the gaps as there have been many surreal experiences in between! You'll just have to bear with me!

Thank you for reading :) xx