I partly blame the weather, when it was snowing outside who could be arsed to get all dolled up for a date?. Why risk having to get naked in the freezing cold when you can be wrapped up and all warm in a onesie at home with a hot cup of tea or a nice glass of wine?
Laziness also plays a part in this, it takes effort to go online and find someone you like the look of and then try to think of something interesting to say to get their attention. It makes you wonder whether you're better off giving up and leaving it to chance? Nah I'm not that patient! So April brought a spring in my step, time to get out there and see whats occurring!
I arrived at Clapham station on a rainy Friday evening, in my Little Black Dress with kitten heels, I was wearing my new leopard print scarf and was sporting a matching umbrella that my nephew later pointed out was a bit "cougar" circa "Doreen Green" Thanks hun!. Anyway I met the Retail Buyer at the bar and was relieved to see that he did resemble his picture (you can never really be sure) As soon as I saw him I knew this was going to be fun. He was immaculately dressed, well spoken and fit! hee hee. My only regret was the large glass of wine he had bought me, I'm not good on wine, I get drunk a tad too quick and trying to hold an intelligent conversation in that state is not easy, basically I talk a load of shite!
We got talking about internet dating and he told me he's wasn't suprised that I get emails from wierd men, rubberist etc as there's something about me that makes him think there's more to me? He said it's in my eyes??? WTF??! I assured him there is no "more to me" You get what you see? I'm not into bondage etc. I suppose the alarm bells should really have been ringing at this stage but like I said I'd had a glass of wine and did I mention he was hot? lol. Did I also mention it had been 4 months???!
So we agreed on a second date and I show up at his prestine flat and I'm blown away by the decor, it's immaculate and he has without a doubt, impeccable taste. There's a huge kitchen with all built in appliances, all very minimalistic (not a sponge in sight or a thing out of place) plenty of room for a dining table but he settles for a breakfast table and has the dining table in the lounge. There's artwork on the walls, proper fat towels in the bathroom and toilet, and posh toilet roll - like seriously how sad am I that I'm impressed by loo roll????! He has plush silk bed sheets and the softest cushions/pillows I have ever felt in my life! Lol. Yeah ok, I shagged him but in all honesty wasn't it inevitable?
Picture the scene - Frank Sinatra playing softly in the background, surrounded by candles, we stop talking to watch a movie, he offers me chocolate (I decline, not really a chocolate person, had he offered me a biscuit I would have had to marry him!). We watched a movie called "The Secretary" - any one seen this???! - I reckon it's loosely what EL James based Fifty shades on. The opening scene is a submissive in a secretary outfit - tight skirt, white shirt and stilettos, holding paper in her mouth as her hands are restrained by a metal bar which she is holding above her head! You may as well have put some porn on! I know men view porn different to women, they are very visual and like lots of nakedness but us women? We're suckers for a story or scenario however flimsily based.
Randomly stopping for bursts of snogging, he makes me laugh by asking me if my boobs are real???? Erm yep, do they not look or feel real? Has he ever shagged a woman before??? Ok that's a bit harsh, may be the kind of women he shags have no boobs (and thinner than me -eek). We watch a scene in the film where the submissive is shagging some random man and its the worst sex ever, she is literally lying there looking bored while the man is thrusting himself and its all over in 5 seconds. He turns to me and says I bet men have that problem with you in that they come quick? I was like erm that's not what was wrong with that sex scene I think it had more to do with the fact neither of them knew what they were doing. Then I turn to him and say...........bear with me on this one (shamefaced) "Why do you have that kind of problem a lot??!!". Yes I know it was the wrong thing to say but it was a case of my mouth saying what my brain was thinking before digesting what I was saying! Aw gawd!! Thankfully he laughed it off!
So we ended up on the beautiful silk sheets in the King Size bed surrounded by pillows and I'm thinking this will be over quick (lol). He pulls down his boxers and its like the slot machines when you hit the jackpot? Ding, ding ding - Kerching???! It's like the biggest thing I've ever seen and all I can think is OMG that's gonna hurt! (not my finest hour I know). My second thought is god there's no way I'm getting my mouth round that! That's the problem with massive dicks you're kind of limited by what you can do with them? There are certain positions that aren't feasible unless you've got a vagina like a bucket? I don't know whats worse one the size of a gherkin or one as big as a cucumber? (I'll go on record to say the gherkin, definitely the gherkin!).
Overall the experience was a pretty good one, however I am curious as to why men are so obsessed with going down on women? They seem to enjoy it more than we do? Is that normal? I'm all up for it as foreplay but after a bit I just want a dick, not a tongue? (Sorry for being so blunt! lol). I've noticed this a lot recently, they just seem to be obsessed with it. I have no problems with blow jobs but I wouldn't be expected to be down there for hours surely? Or is that where I'm going wrong?!
Apart from that the other thing I struggled with was that he wanted me to talk dirty to him? Yeah I'm not sure how to do that? (I can learn!!). To be honest trying to think of something dirty to say mid sex is a bit too much like hard work? Well it is for those of us to whom it doesn't come naturally? I don't really want to take my focus off of what I'm doing? For my pleasure and yours obviously? lol.
We ended the date thoroughly satisfied, I know he was a complete player but I won't agree that I fell for it because in reality who is the true player, who is playing who exactly? We're both consenting adults and I can't think of a better way to spend a lazy Sunday then in bed with a hot man!
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